Category Archives: Personal

Hot Frigging Chocolate

When our government lays the groundwork for conditions that thoughtful people cogently compare to Nazi Germany and fascist Italy; when our president issues racist orders and statements unrepentantly; when our elected representatives appear to ignore millions of constituents who insist on full rejection of a racist, sexist, sadistic set of know-nothings running our most important federal agencies and a Nazi on the National Security Council is this a waking nightmare or are you just happy to see me; I have but one recommendation:

Put equal amounts of sugar and cocoa powder in a saucepan over medium heat. Dribble in milk (dairy for maximum custardy taste!) and whisk to make a paste. When it’s smoooooove, whisk in more milk until the color looks yum. Heat over medium until it bubbles around the edges, and then keep heating it a bit longer to toast the milk sugars for nutty puddingness.

If you overmilked it and you’re like damn just opening Twitter today requires heroic chocolate this is no time for even an illusion of moderation (Elizabeth Warren, I’m talking to you), just whisk in more cocoa and sugar. Do not fear lumps. They will whisk away. Relish these easily fixable problems.

Ladle some out some to the clammering younglings, sure, but the point of this whole endeavor is to pour vodka into your own cup of hot fucking chocolate. And drink it. Bourbon would probably work too.

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Rationalizing the Future

By numbering these steps to likely self-destruction, I hope to provide a comforting illusion of linearity:

  1. Commit with passion to a dizzying barrage of lies
  2. Undermine, threaten, and ban the press, who may otherwise credibly report on one’s actions
  3. Question the legitimacy of democratic processes
  4. Laugh about regulations and norms that would constrain an executive’s decisions within long-established ethical boundaries
  5. Dare lawmakers to confirm the most racist, sexist, anti-queer, anti-love, anti-voter, anti-truth, anti-science cabinet imaginable
  6. Courageously maintain one’s dedication to lying
  7. Start passing laws and issuing executive orders that will kill people–by taking away our health care, by poisoning our water, by allowing our climate to warm unchecked until it is uninhabitable, by any number of callous, self-aggrandizing, thoughtless potentials
  8. Foment chaos. In one’s daily operations. In health care markets. In politics. In discourse
  9. Mock (and rape and assault) the vulnerable
  10. Maintain and strengthen business and political connections that will operate directly against the interests of the citizens of the United States
  11. Issue gag orders on thousands of employees
  12. Speak only lies.

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Activist for Hire

Earlier this week, I shuffled off this mortally cerebral coil and participated in a direct political action, like those Indivisible friends suggested, to shame my Republican senator into changing his mind about ACA repeal.

It didn’t work.

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Why?

I know why a dude who pummeled his wife daily might also gun down a gay club on Latin night: gender norms are f-ing  lethal. Plus racism. 

But why oh why are assault rifles sold to Joe Q Public???????

All I want is for my friends and family to feel safe. They don’t today. 

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Me and the Youths

The younglings continue to break for Sanders, while the olds continue to hope that we can finally please oh please could we just please get a woman in the White House already what more does she need to prove to you people.

And since I’m apparently peeved about getting older, as well as increasingly anti-capitalist as those years insist on speeding past,  I keep wondering why I don’t side with the people who know how to use “fleek” on  electing someone unafraid to call out the Rockafellers for their depredations upon our society. (Is it a noun? An adjective? Verb? Dependent on context?)

Why am I unmoved by this apparently viable candidate whose platform consists of free college, universal health care, and prioritized mitigation of income inequality? Who’s Jewish? Why am I not only unmoved, but downright hostile to him?

Who am I?

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I’m Baaaaaaaaack

My Munro article is in the can, y’all, and here are the things Imonna do now:

  • Read the fourth Neapolitan novel
  • Write a long think piece about my mixed feelings about Hillary Cl– oh wait Rebecca Traister locked it down already
  • Negotiate at least three cease fires
  • Clean out my car
    • which farts trash every time I open its door
  • Purchase and assemble a standing desk so I can finally be vaguely smug like the toe shoe people
  • Resist calculating the hourly rate of my contract to write an Alice Munro article for a lump sum, thus maturely strolling past the rabbit hole of post-academic rage about labor equity social value of humanities knowledge should I really have quit academia etc etc without even a cursory glance back into said hole wait too late daaaaaaaaaaaaaang
  • Relish having weekends back again again
  • Acknowledge getting paid in love, still, in my current child health policy gig too, is better than getting paid in hate but still not as good as getting paid in adequate dollars
  • Drink beer
  • Read all the reviews of Purity so I can maintain my opinion of Franzen without having to read more than the New Yorker excerpt through which I couldn’t hack the slog
  • Drink wine
    • Cuz Wine is Fine
  • Blog more again
    • For reals
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