When our government lays the groundwork for conditions that thoughtful people cogently compare to Nazi Germany and fascist Italy; when our president issues racist orders and statements unrepentantly; when our elected representatives appear to ignore millions of constituents who insist on full rejection of a racist, sexist, sadistic set of know-nothings running our most important federal agencies and a Nazi on the National Security Council is this a waking nightmare or are you just happy to see me; I have but one recommendation:
Put equal amounts of sugar and cocoa powder in a saucepan over medium heat. Dribble in milk (dairy for maximum custardy taste!) and whisk to make a paste. When it’s smoooooove, whisk in more milk until the color looks yum. Heat over medium until it bubbles around the edges, and then keep heating it a bit longer to toast the milk sugars for nutty puddingness.
If you overmilked it and you’re like damn just opening Twitter today requires heroic chocolate this is no time for even an illusion of moderation (Elizabeth Warren, I’m talking to you), just whisk in more cocoa and sugar. Do not fear lumps. They will whisk away. Relish these easily fixable problems.
Ladle some out some to the clammering younglings, sure, but the point of this whole endeavor is to pour vodka into your own cup of hot fucking chocolate. And drink it. Bourbon would probably work too.
The funniest thing about this episode of TAL is that while listening to a long, fragrantly detailed story about eating pig butts, I still managed to eat with gusto several fingers worth of chocolate chip cookie dough. And the baked cookies besides.
And I disagree with the Slate reporter: Fred Armisen imitating Ira Glass was even more intimate than usual, because it was like I was a part of their big, hilarious, mutually appreciative in-joke. Like the best parts of high school.
Pig butts! Industry insiders call it “bung.” Pig rectum. Rumored to be a substitute for calamari at middlebrow dining estabs. Sliced thin and deep fried. Like the best parts of high school.